INTERNATIONAL MEN’S DAY (The celebration continues)

DO YOU SEE ME? Rewrite by Cabral Opiyo

Marked on the 19th of November, the theme for this year is ‘Better health for men and boys’ seguing seamlessly with our topic of the day that focuses on the health of a man we would like to celebrate.

International men’s day is a day when the male population is celebrated and acknowledged worldwide. It celebrates the achievements and contributions of men to the various families and societies they belong to.

Throughout history, men have been labelled as emotionally closed off and free of the shackles of emotional labour and that has directly correlated with the high number of male suicides everywhere. The pressures that men have to go through on a day to day basis without being acknowledged weigh them down and many snap under the strain.

I spoke to Mr. Pius, a son, a sibling, a father, a husband, and a caregiver on the experiences he has had to go through as the primary caregiver of his brother who has been beset by various ailments.

According to Mr. Pius, giving care and assistance freely to people has always been a part of him; he doesn’t shy away from offering a helping hand, he barely complains about the difficulties and inconveniences, he just gets on with it.

You’d be mistaken in thinking that he is a firstborn or one of the eldest children, he is in fact a sixth born in a family of nine siblings. But looking at his generous and giving ways, the burden placed upon him is like that of an elder sibling in the African context.

He doesn’t remember a time when he wasn’t helping, he did it in small ways; he was always hosting his relatives from upcountry in his house and even assisting people who weren’t direct relatives but had been ‘referred’ to him by his family members, he didn’t turn anyone away. He always did what he could even as he struggled to live his own life.

He recalls an episode in which a sibling promised a friend of the family that Mr. Pius could definitely obtain a glamorous job in a high-end company for their child. Life always threw him curveballs like that, he had gotten too good at helping people out, he was always expected to pull a rabbit out of the hat when the situation demanded it.

He posits philosophically that he has learned quite a bit from his exploits as a helper, he has gained wisdom that only practical life experience can bestow upon a person and he isn’t afraid to impart it to anyone who will listen.

What Mr. Pius didn’t know was that his background as a helper had a purpose that no one could have foreseen. His brother became ill and he was the only logical choice to take care of him, it’s as if life had been training him for that very eventuality.

His brother’s family resides outside of the country and as such, all the caregiving burden falls on Mr. Pius who has never been known to turn anyone away who needed his help. The family neither reaches out nor do they help to support Mr. Pius in any way. His brother’s daughter occasionally does these things, but infrequently at best.

Mr. Pius admits that it takes a toll and can be tedious, to say the least, the very people you would expect to stick around during the difficult periods are the same ones who run away immediately trouble comes knocking. He learned that the biggest load of the burden is left to the caregiver in such situations, he only wishes that he had forewarning to prepare himself psychologically.

The life of a caregiver can be tiring, time-consuming, and draining and every caregiver needs to be able to blow off steam and release any tension accumulated in the course of offering care. Mr. Pius takes long walks to clear his mind and takes a beat to calm himself whenever he gets agitated during the job. Using skills gained over the years, he also does introspection to get to the root of the matter and understand why he reacted the way he did.

Part of the wisdom of all his years helping people is that Mr. Pius knows when to put his ego aside and apologize when he is wrong, a most important aspect of his caregiving journey so far.

He says freely that complaining when the need arises helps too, not about the act of caregiving itself but if anyone frustrates him while on the job. Over the years he has learned that keeping issues pent up is not healthy and letting them out helps quite a bit.

Mr. Pius is big on self-care for caregivers even as they stretch themselves in helping other people because the people around them might not necessarily take care of their needs.

Mr. Pius speaks with a lot of pain as he recalls a most unpleasant episode in his life as a caregiver. He talks about the time he got a heart attack and had to be hospitalized a year ago right smack in the middle of his time as a caregiver for his brother who is very sensitive and needs to be monitored around the clock with specialized care.

At first, people were concerned and they visited him but as he got better and went from hospital to homecare, the concern shrivelled up and went away. People would call him and ignore his welfare and ask straight away about his brother who cannot speak.

He felt like a knife was being twisted in his insides and says wistfully, “I wish they would also focus on me as the caregiver. People focus on my sick brother and always say that since he’s in worse condition, I am better off. But I am not better off! Would it hurt if they just asked how I am and actually mean it?” This is a common situation caregivers find themselves in; unnoticed, unacknowledged, and therefore unsupported. It takes a lot of courage for a man to utter those words, admit the accompanying emotions, and lay himself bare to the world, we can only learn from and applaud Mr. Pius.

There are times when he wishes that he could get some sort of help but the people around him from friends to family do not know the struggle and inner turmoil felt by the helper, the man who always seems to have a solution to their problems, and Mr. Pius soldiers on without complaint.

That situation in a nutshell is the struggle caregivers go through all the time, being pushed to the side and their needs diminished in relation to the patient they are providing care for. Over time, the frustration and invisibility envelope the caregiver and their physical and mental health can be impacted woefully.

Today we celebrate Mr. Pius who has soldiered on even in the face of challenges he did not ask for, bearing burdens he did not bargain for and still managing to provide long term care to his ill brother.

We see you Mr. Pius and we salute you.