Written by Florence Mwaura, A passionate and enthusiastic student of life. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology with over four years of experience in child therapy.
“I hope to be home soon, I miss my daughter”. This was the last statement my auntie made before we concluded our heartfelt phone conversation last week. She is a single mom who by all means strives to fend for her only daughter. She works out of the country and comes home every opportunity she gets to check on her daughter’s progress. Sacrifices right? Since the corona pandemic, however, she has not had the chance to be with her daughter and it is frustrating her.
A physical barrier, thanks to distance, makes it difficult for a caregiver to be present during hard times (#CoronaChronicles). This can have adverse effects on their emotions which can range from anger to anxiety, to guilt and in some cases depression. This is contributed by the fact that the caregivers carry both the objective and subjective burden. The objective burden can also be termed as the physical, psychological, social and financial impact a caregiver carries caused by tangible caregiver-related disruptions to his or her life. Take an example of the amount of money spent on flights when the caregiver makes trips in and out of the country, this is not even a quarter of the rest of the expenses spent on taking care of their loved one! Other instances such as when communication and teamwork with the appointed hands-on caregiver are not efficient and or coordinated contribute heavily to this frustration.
The subjective burden can be narrowed down to the physical, psychological, social, and financial impact on the caregiver caused by feelings and appraisals of the caregiving role. Here is where guilt plays a role in contributing to fatigue. I recall my auntie telling me she feels awful that she is not around and that she is scared of something happening to her daughter and she is not in a position to avail herself. Due to the travel restrictions in recent days, most of the caregivers have been put in an emotional box where they live with the uncertainty of what the future holds. The accumulation of subjective stressors, such as negative feelings toward their role or feelings of guilt about not meeting the needs of their care receiver, produces subjective burden on the caregiver.
Amid all the challenges herein, my auntie is thankful that she has a sister whom she co-parents with. This way, she knows that in her absence her daughter gets all the support that can be offered through a trusted guardian. Not forgetting the family group calls that are made through the internet. She holds dear these moments as they encourage her to be stronger. It has also strengthened the bond with her daughter as the unlimited time she gets with her online enables them to have a mother to daughter conversation. Hurray to useful internet connections 🙂 She remains hopeful that things will get better, and I cannot help but imagine what those in such situations are dealing with.
While being a caregiver is a lifetime responsibility (or at least I believe so), reducing the negative effects of stress for caregivers should be the first step to personal self-care. This means that important for the caregiver to realize that they are humans too, they get tired and can get to a point of burn-out. If not careful, this burn-out can have adverse effects on their health, relationships and work performance. As a counsellor in my family, I have made it a responsibility to remind my auntie that she comes first. Her mental, emotional and physical wellbeing has to be at equilibrium, for her to be fully functional in her caregiving responsibility. In times of compassion fatigue, I always encourage her to step aside and evaluate herself. The emotions she is going through, the root cause and finally what she can do about it.
Introspection(self-evaluation) enables one to take a pause and understand the stage at which they are at before taking an action they can regret. It further helps one to avoid falling deeper into overthinking which can lead to anxiety owing to fear of the unknown. Journaling helps in such instances. If that is not a go-to coping mechanism then, having close confidants is encouraged as it helps one to vent out their emotions, creates room for brainstorming and helps lift the burden as a result of caregiving responsibilities. Confidants can vary, and if possible, belong to a group of people (confidants) going through the same situation. This helps as one can share their experience while they learn from other peoples experiences. It helps one realize that they are not alone in the struggle, and sometimes that is what is needed. (ALUTA CONTINUA!!!).
For those that share caregiving responsibilities. For example, siblings who take turns in taking care of their aged folks, it is important to have open communication among each other. Learn to respect each other’s opinion and going through various ways you can all handle taking turns in being fully available for the parents. Teamwork is everything, therefore learning to compensate each other’s strengths and weaknesses goes a long way in building a healthy co-dependency. Knowledge is power, getting to do research and have a better understanding of the role a caregiver plays is of the essence. This way, they can better understand what to expect through the journey and techniques they can use to help them
cope with difficult situations.
Finally, speaking from a professional point of view, if it gets to a point where you feel empty, irritable, fatigued, insomnia and loss of interest in favourite activities for a consistent number of weeks, then it is about time you sought professional help. REMEMBER; a problem shared is a problem half solved.